


the beginning of richie tozier (and his lies)

by hangthe_stars



Series: Mixing Memory and Desire [1]
Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: -Ish, Boys In Love, Canon Compliant, First Kiss, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-13
Updated: 2019-10-13
Packaged: 2020-12-14 08:49:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21013046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hangthe_stars/pseuds/hangthe_stars
Summary: 1991 - spring.Richie Tozier is in love.





	the beginning of richie tozier (and his lies)

_ 1991 – spring. _

This was how it began: Eddie  Kaspbrak stood on Richie Tozier’s porch with his hands on his hips, eyebrows drawn in a stern, unwavering glare  as  Richie leaned against the door frame and sighed. He’d been caught - trapped in the storm that Eddie had walked right up to his parent’s front door and now he was breathing the tense, electric air.  Oddly, i t was the only thing keeping him sane.

“Why are you lying to me?”

Eddie didn’t know it then but Richie Tozier was a liar. There was something about Eddie, though – in that moment in particular – his eyes blazing, a look of desperation there as if Richie’s lies were ruining him. There was something about Eddie that made Richie want to be honest. Made him want to peel back the layers that he’d sewn for himself, the blanket of security that  occurred  as the Voices and an endless spiel of jokes. Maybe it was the way Eddie showed up  at  his house uninvited, demanding the truth like it  would  just ify some sort of  pain. Maybe it  _ was  _ because Eddie seemed to be in pain from Richie’s lies.

“I want to tell you-” Richie tried. That was true enough. It hurt him to lie, too. Every lie, every excuse that came from his mouth left the sour taste of guilt on his tongue. Seeing the frustration carved in Eddie’s brow only proved that the lies had been for nothing. They’d only served to hurt him and his friends, as well.

“Tell me then!” Eddie’s voice crept up an octave. “Usually I can’t get you to shut up so this must be a good one. What are you so scared of?”

Richie’s throat worked around the lump in his throat. He stood straighter, the truth encompassing him in a punishing grip right around the chest – squeezing and squeezing. “I’m scared that the truth is going to ruin things. I don’t want to lose you, Eds, you’re my best friend.”

Eddie sucked in a sharp breath and deflated on the exhale. His desperation folded into the slouched lines of hurt. “Nothing that you say could ever scare me away. I’m not stupid, Richie. Whatever it is you’re lying about is driving you crazy. I can fucking tell so just ...  _ stop  _ lying to  me.”

“Fine,” Richie said, trying to sound firm but the word shook between his teeth. He breathed deeply, the oxygen squeezing through the quickly narrowing path to his lungs. “I lied- I was making excuses so I didn’t have to hang out with you guys because I had plans with someone else. I was with this,  _ fuck _ , this guy. Like,  on  a date. I was on a date... with a guy.”

The admission hung suspended in the air, open to inspection, alongside Richie’s heart which was waiting to be picked apart. He blinked at the spot he was staring at – the toe of Eddie’s shoes. The words were out there, he might as well sacrifice the rest of himself in the name of honesty. He looked at Eddie and saw nothing. His face was entirely empty of expression; a perfect, blank canvas but at least he was looking Richie in the eye.

“Oh,” Eddie said. It was like he couldn’t look away. As if the storm had become a blizzard and he  was  frozen. “Okay. Well... thanks for being honest with me. I’ll stop bugging you about it now. Sorry. For bugging you about it. I should- I'm gonna get home before my mum has an aneurysm. See you, Richie.”

This was how it began: Richie stood on his front porch, watching Eddie stride down the sidewalk with his hands balled into shaking fists.

There were plenty of things Richie Tozier didn’t lie about. It was the important stuff that he  _ did  _ lie about, but his deep,  resolute  hatred for high school was not one of them. No, he would scream his hatred for that hellhole at the top of his lungs. He did at least once a week whilst walking the corridors with his best friends who hissed at him to  _ shut the fuck up, asshole _ , duck ing into their classrooms with pink-tinged cheeks.

It was funny. Big Bill  had  told Richie that he’d described Richie as unashamed to his mother. In ways, it was true. Richie was known for his boldness, his lack of brain-to-mouth filter but none of that reflected the bone-deep shame that  was stitched into the lining of his every atom . His unashamed attitude stemmed from shame itself.

Today, Richie was stating his severe dislike for high school by simply not turning up to any of his afternoon classes. It  wasn’t like the teachers would miss him but his spot under the bleachers would surely miss his company. It wasn’t  a nice day to be skipping class . The sky above was overcast and the temperature was refusing to choose  between  hot or cold,  settling on  an uncomfortable  in-between that had Richie switching between wearing his jacket and using it as a pillow. He lay on his back and stared up through the gaps between the bleachers at the white-grey sky. There was a cigarette occupying his lips. Everything was quiet. Even in his mind, peace was victorious. Time was slipping away. There was only endless sky and the grey, grey, grey of the world around him.

“There you are, dipshit. I’ve been looking all over for you! If Mr Collins tells the principal I’m not in class and the principal rings my mom I’m going to  _ die _ . For real. I am risking my life to talk to you right now.”

And there went the peace and quiet. Richie’s lips quirked into a smirk. His friends were always going on at him for talking too much but Eddie was almost worse with the way he spoke a mile a minute. Richie figured Eddie only got away with it because he was cute, especially from the angle he was at, staring up Eddie’s legs to the cross look on his face. Cute.

“Afternoon to you, too , Eddie Spaghetti. How may I  be of assistance ?” Richie asked in the perfectly polite, well-spoken manner of one of his Voices. (It was a new one – a posh, British lady who spoke frequently of her work with charities but would rather combust than give a penny to the homeless in person).

“You can put that disgusting thing out for starters .” He made a wild gesture at Richie’s cigarette. It was unfair, really. Richie would do anything Eddie asked of him and he did so, crushing the cigarette into the dirt beside him.

Richie sat up, looking up at Eddie framed by the grey sky. His hands were on his hips, brows drawn in the perfect mirror of the storm he’d been  t ha t a fternoon he’d shown up at Richie’s front door. A couple of weeks had passed since then and Richie had ached inwardly, all across his chest, when Eddie hadn’t spoken more than a few words to him, when Eddie had taken Stan’s seat at lunch instead of sitting in his usual spot beside Richie. But now here he was, looking as fierce as ever.

“Are you skipping class to spend time with little  ol ’ me? Who  would’a thought it?” 

“Don’t be a dick,” Eddie grumbled and sank to the ground beside him. Even in the mild weather, Eddie donned his usual shorts, and he cursed under his breath when the dirt stained his knees. “You haven’t been going to class much lately.”

“Yeah, well, I haven’t really felt like it. Been busy worrying that I scared off my best friend,” Richie shrugged but glanced at Eddie who was staring out at the field.

“I thought I told you that nothing you say could ever scare me away. I meant it. I’m sorry if I made you think differently, I’ve just been thinking a lot, is all.”

“Yeah? What you thinking about in that pretty little head of yours?”

“I’ve been thinking that it was really brave of you to tell me. I wish- I wish I was as brave as you are.” Eddie spoke quietly, like it was a secret, like it was a confession. 

“You are brave, Eds. The bravest! Don’t you remember down in the sewers? Screaming in that clown’s face?”

Eddie remembered. Of course, he did. They all remembered, more than they wanted to. It was the shadow that lurked in their closets, the reality that leaked into their unconscious , twisting into nightmares.

“I was only brave because of you. If you weren’t brave that night, I don’t think I would’ve lived through it,” Eddie said and nudged Richie with his shoulder. Richie could feel the warmth spread outwards from that point of contact, and the words Eddie spoke warmed him from the inside out. 

Silence sat between them like some uninvited guest. It made little sense to Richie how he knew that Eddie was still his best friend but couldn’t loosen his muscles around him. He felt tense, as if it were safest for him to be on the edge of his seat, awaiting rejection. Rejection from what? Eddie was okay with him. Everything was fine: the sun was still in the sky, Eddie was still by his side, Eddie was leaning on his arm a little and Richie’s heart was hammering in his chest. It came to Richie like a lightbulb had been switched on in his head. He no longer feared Eddie rejecting him for who he was. He feared Eddie finding out the truth about  _ who  _ his heart sang for.

“You didn’t tell anyone, then?”

Eddie’s face screwed up, fingers twisting in the hem of his shirt. “No. Of course not. I mean... If it were me, I wouldn’t want you to tell anyone.”

“So only  _ you  _ know.”

“I guess so, and the guy. You know, the one you’ve been seeing.”

“Right,” Richie croaked, stomach twisting in the face of another lie. He held up his pinkie finger . “ So, it’s our secret. Okay, Eds?”

“Yeah. Okay. Our secret.” Eddie hooked his pinkie around Richie’s and smiled. This was how it began: a promise and a handful of lies. 

Richie couldn’t really put a finger on it. There wasn’t one specific reason Richie was in love with Eddie Kaspbrak. He simply was - had been for as long as he could remember. There was just something about him. His fire, his sweet face, his honest words, his pink lips when he mouthed expletives at Richie who’d told a bad joke about his mom. Richie didn’t know what it was but it existed in every part of him; a burning, painful volume of love, slowly drowning him.

The funny thing about love was that it never worked out the way you wanted it to. Richie had fallen in love with someone who could never love him back.

It was summer and the air was thick with heat. Richie and his friends found sweet relief from the inexorable sun in the cool water of the quarry. The jump down was refreshing enough – all that air rushing past as he made his descent into the clutches of the bottomless water. Richie loved the exhilaration as his body dropped down, down, down. He loved the feeling of nothingness , as for a moment it felt as if he were suspended in the air, and then the sudden impact of his feet hitting the water brought him slamming back into his body . Sometimes, when he was submerged in the cold, he would cling onto the breath in his lungs until they burned. Eddie always pulled him out, reprimanding him for being an idiot and looking at him with that sweet scowl.

They were lay out in the sun after an hour of messing around in the water. All of Richie’s best friends were there, and they were talking about something – the future, college, things Richie didn’t want to think about – and the sound was a security blanket for him. It was the comfort of not being alone. Somewhere amidst the overlapping conversations, Stan was trying to convince Mike to apply to colleges and Ben and Beverly were talking quietly about their dream job s . Richie’s eyes drifted over to Bill, who was sat up and looking at his friends with a small smile pulling on his lips.

“What are you smiling at, Billy-boy?”

Bill shook his head. “N-n-nothing. J-just you  g u y s . I ’ m g o i n g t o m - m i s s y o u a l l w h e n w e g r - g r a d uat e . ”

“We’re not g raduating yet! We’ve still got time to make you hate us,” Richie pointed out, convincing himself that under no circumstances would he think about life after high school.

“I could n-never hate you guys.” And Bill said it so sincerely that Richie believed him. He thought, maybe it would be okay to tell Bill his secret. All of his secrets.

Richie turned his head to where Eddie was lay beside him. He was stretched out on a towel, eyes closed, seemingly oblivious to the world around him but the smile pinking his cheeks was telling enough that he was listening to everything that was being said. Richie loved it when Eddie smiled. It was always what he was most proud of after telling a joke -  ( and after Eddie had yelled at him for how objectively terrible it was ) – the smile that Eddie would give him. A small, private one. One that said, _ how dare you make me laugh, asshole _ .

“I should probably start heading home now. My  mom’ll kill me if I’m out late again,” Eddie sighed, standing up and gathering his things together.

Almost automatically, Richie moved, too. He sat up like a string tied his heart to Eddie’s and every way Eddie went, Richie would follow. “Chivalry is not dead whilst Richie Tozier  lives . I shall walk you home, good fellow!”

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Hurry up then. See you guys. I’ll bring you the new Batman issue tomorrow, Ben . ”

Richie picked his bike up from where he had dumped it on the grass, swinging his leg over the body of the bike, leaving room for Eddie to slide onto the seat behind him. Perhaps it was selfish of him to indulge in the minutes that he rode his bike with Eddie’s body so close to him, his hands clutching Richie’s shirt, laughter splitting the still air in two. The air parted for them as Richie sped through Derry, his thoughts too recklessly jumbled  to even consider going slow. Not until Eddie called at him to stop. Richie stopped.

“Let me off! Let me off!” He shouted through a peal of laughter. Richie skidded to a halt, letting Eddie jump off beside him. Eddie’s face was flushed from the rush of air,  pure enjoyment bright in his eyes . “Don’t you know when to slow down? Jesus, Richie.”

“I say, go fast or don’t go at all.”

“You’ve never said that once in your life,” Eddie said, shaking his head. He walked alongside Richie who had slowed down considerably now that Eddie wasn’t holding onto him. There were things Eddie did that Richie kept safe in his mind, things to think about later when he was warm in  his  bed. He was doing one of those things: wearing his watch too loose and twisting it around his wrist. Richie watched him twist and twist and twist it. He knew Eddie well enough now to know that it was a nervous habit.

“What’s on your mind, sweet thing?”

Eddie scuffed the pavement with the toe of his shoe. “Nothing. Nothing, really. I was just  thinking about that guy you’ve been seeing.”

“Oh? What about him?”  It scared Richie, how easily he could lie through the ache in his chest. Everyone was made of a multitude of masks but he was starting to lose sight of his true face.

“I guess... I was wondering if he’s real or not,” Eddie said, the words coming out in one breath. Richie’s hands spasmed, making him squeeze the brakes and jolt forwards in a push and pull between lies and truths. He glanced over at Eddie; at the boy’s pink cheeks, the worry dampening his fire, the twist and twist of the watch around his wrist. “If I’m wrong – if I’m being a total dick right now and accusing you of lying when you’re not, feel free to run me over with your bike. Like, I don’t  wanna be that guy but I have a gut feeling about this and I need to know the truth because it’s driving me insane! But if I’m wrong yell at me, hit me because I deserve it-”

“Why is it driving you insane?”

“What?” Eddie breathed, cheeks puffing out. “It - it’s just this feeling I’ve got, okay? And I want to prove myself right or I’ll implode.”

“Well, don’t implode because-” Richie fumbled for the truth. It didn’t seem to want to come past his throat. That’s where it got stuck, a handful of words turning to lead on his tongue. He did slam on his brakes then and Eddie dug his heels into the pavement to stop alongside him, turning sharply to squint at him.

“Because I’m right?  _ Right _ ? You’re not seeing anyone. Why would you lie about that? That’s just – that's infuriating, Rich!”

“ Wh \- How? I’m sorry that’s so infuriating for  _ you _ . Why is it bad for you? It’s not like it’s any of your fucking business who I’m dating ... or not dating ,” Richie said through gritted teeth. His guilt had quickly churned into something much closer to frustration. But as he looked at Eddie, whose cheeks were still pink and his fingers were still twisting, he  tussled  with confusion.

“Except it is my fucking business because if I’m right – which it seems, I  _ always  _ am – then you  _ like  _ _ me _ .”

Eddie’s nostrils were flaring and Richie knew that if this was happening a few years ago, Eddie would be grappling for his inhaler right about now. There was nothing stopping Richie from denying the truth, nothing stopping him from spinning another web of lies. Nothing except for himself. His own throat closing up. The lies getting stuck behind his teeth, tasting like battery acid all the way down to his belly where it washed greedily at his stomach lining. Richie was getting a little sick of the taste. He wondered how the truth would taste – fresh, sweet, new.

“You like me,” Eddie repeated, and the words swelled up like a balloon, filling the silence. 

“I-I Jesus, Eddie. What the fuck?”

Oh, the fire was back in him. His hands were on his hips , feet planted and his  stare  didn’t stray from Richie’s  darting eyes . Richie wondered what it felt like to be brave.  There was no escaping Eddie  Kaspbrak on a mission. Richie had learned that after Eddie had stood up to his mom and chased a path of truths. Afterwards, he’d shown up in Richie’s bedroom and lay on Richie’s bed and stared at Richie’s ceiling without saying a word. And Richie had stared at Eddie staring at his ceiling and he’d glowed with a burning need to be there for Eddie. Forever.

“I’m sorry,” Richie whispered into the space between them. His hands tightened painfully over the handlebars of his bike, as if instigating pain in the lines of his palms would distract him from the bone-crushing reality of his truths. He couldn’t bear to look at Eddie’s fiery eyes. He didn’t know what they meant.

“I knew it!”

Richie’s eyes widened comically behind his glasses. “What?”

“I fucking knew it! What did I say? I’m always right! You like me,” Eddie grinned smugly, and his face was full of the fire that Richie loved.

“Okay, you don’t have to keep saying it. This is fucking embarrassing for me, Eds. Now what? Is this going to be some joke between us?  _ Haha _ _ , Richie’s been in love with me for years,  _ _ haha _ . Some good fuckin’ chucks,” Richie ground out and blinked hard at the floor, trying to will away the tears that were threatening to break the barriers from embarrassment.

“I’m not laughing at you, dipshit. Why would I laugh at that?”

“I don’t know? Because I’m your best friend and I’ve been in love with you since we were kids and you’re not even gay so you’re probably freaked the fuck out and I’m sorry but can we not make this weird – please?”

Richie looked up from the ground to try and gauge what was going on in Eddie’s head. He’d always thought he’d been good at reading Eddie but now he couldn’t read him at all. Eddie had lived so many years afraid, and it had stained him but he’d done well the last couple of years to try and break free from the hold his mother had over him. Eddie had become braver. It filled the parts of him that his mother had locked away. It turned his spark into a flame and he burned so brightly with a fierce belief in himself that made it impossible for Richie not to love him. Richie couldn’t tell what Eddie was thinking but he looked brighter than ever. What did that mean?

Eddie bit into his bottom lip, like he was trying to stop himself from smiling, and rocked on his heels , light as a feather . “I am the opposite of freaked out. Though, I’m a little bummed that I thought you liked me, when actually, you love me. You  _ love  _ me-” he said it like it was a precious secret - “that definitely doesn’t freak me out.”

“What does that mean?”

Eddie shrugged, turning on his heel and walking up the street. He looked over his shoulder and his smile rivalled the sun . “That’s for me to know and you to find out, Tozier.”

This was how it began: a pair of mismatched socks and an act of bravery.

To Richie, the world was upside down. He lay on his back, head hanging over the edge of his bed, the familiar room flipped and messing with his thoughts. Or maybe that was just the blood rushing to his head. He stared at the desk where his homework essay due for tomorrow was waiting for him. It was going to be waiting for a long time because Richie was tired and fed up and aching all over. Not a painful ache. An ache like a weight, some bone-tired exhaustion that kids shouldn’t feel. Richie closed his eyes and counted the throb, throb, throb behind his eyelids. When he opened them again, he imagined walking on the ceiling, stepping over the light and  lying flat on the cool surface. 

He couldn’t concentrate on an essay for school when he knew his mother was across the hall in her own bedroom passed out drunk. The only reason she was in bed was because he’d put her there. He wasn’t strong but she was small and sheer force of will pulled him through it. Richie pressed his eyes closed again and whistled out a sharp breath.

When he opened them again it was to  see  Eddie  Kaspbrak stood in his bedroom door frame, arms crossed, brows drawn. “Your front door was unlocked and no one was answering when I knocked like a  _ thousand  _ times. You should lock your door. Also, you shouldn’t fall asleep like that, you’ll get a crick in your neck.”

Richie grumbled, rubbing his face with both hands. “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. What time is it?”

“I don’t know. Like, seven or something. You know, you should try matching your socks one time, just to surprise everyone,” Eddie said, gesturing to the head of Richie’s bed, where his feet rested on the pillows.

“Did you come here to annoy me, you little shit?”

“I came here to talk.” Eddie sat down on the bed beside Richie and Richie wanted to pull him closer or push him off.

“No. Nope. Fuck no. I’m not talking to you. Haven’t you been blessed these past three days because I  _ haven’t  _ been speaking to you? Don’t you want more days of blissful silence?” Richie rolled over, away from Eddie, whose proximity was making his skin tingle.

“No, I don’t want more days of silence, idiot. You know, I always thought you were smart and I thought you’d work out what I was trying to say to you the other day but apparently not. So, I’ve come  here  to spell it out for you before I go fucking crazy. Richie, I- Would you look at me?”

“I’m looking,” Richie sighed, forcing his eyes up and on Eddie. 

“You like me, right? Love me, even?”

“ _ Yes _ . We’ve been over this-”

“And I like you. Love you, even. And I’ve been waiting for you to kiss me for  _ fucking ever _ so why don’t you just do it?” Eddie spoke like he’d been running and he was trying to catch up with his own breath. The pink of his cheeks was telling of the nerves in his stomach, but his eyes didn’t waver from Richie’s. The stubborn fire burned relentlessly.

“I’m not brave, Eds.”

Eddie swayed forwards, one hand planted on the mattress, the other brushing Richie’s unruly hair out of his eyes. His fingers were gentle on Richie’s cheek. “You’re the bravest person I know.”

They  leaned in to each other and their lips brushed in the softest of kisses – a barely-there touch like running a hand over blades of grass. Eddie’s fingers curled under Richie’s jaw, pulling him closer, pressing their lips together harder. Richie wanted to cry or laugh or sing along with his heart that was beating a rhythm so fast it  was almost dangerous. Eddie felt right. He felt like coming home – not the sham of a house he lived in but a real home, somewhere warm and safe and loving. Richie said it in his head,  _ you’re my home, my brave boy, you make me so brave _ . And he prayed that Eddie could hear him or feel it through Richie’s lips and shaking hands.

“See?” Eddie breathed. “I was right. You’re brave.”

“Yeah, yeah. You’re always right,” Richie muttered and fitted his hands against Eddie’s waist, where it felt right. 

This was what the truth tasted like: sunlight and fresh mint and the salt of skin and Eddie. Richie’s heart beat the rhythm of his name. It was the rhythm he’d live by.

**Author's Note:**

> i'm on tumblr, find me under: gent-ly


End file.
